Aerobicidal
Shut that door.
- Messages
- 11,148
Hello to all fan of Ivana! This is our last hello of wonder skating season. Even though I know everyone is very unhappy that I am mostly retired and many try to bribe with Chanel accessory so that I write more, I need time at spa to achieve skin and hair goals and quiet my nerves with Stolichnaya. Today, here is the question I ask to many people in world of skating:
What are your hopes, wishes, dreams, and fantasies for next season?
Ashley Wagner: I am furious! For the past decade, I have been keeping spots for the U.S. while the girls around me were struggling with inconsistency, changing their programs more often in one season than the total amount of times I skated to Moulin Rouge, and writing right-wing tweets from their college sorority houses. And this is the thanks that I get? No, this time I am not furious about the results at Nationals; I am furious about the casting for Dancing with the Stars. Tonya? Are you frickin’ kidding me? If anyone deserves a second chance in the spotlight, it’s not that hardened criminal. And it’s not even her second chance, but like her fifty-seventh. I mean, that’s more chances than years that Hao Zhang has been alive, although not by much. And Mirai? Sure, I get that it’s this whole “vindication for not being chosen over me in 2014” storyline, but come the **** on. I had the body of work. Anyway, so I guess I hope that at some point I’ll be less furious. But, for now, I am pretty damn furious!
Angelika Krylova: After much searching of soul, I have determined it is necessary to return to Russia. This is not just because I miss taste of herring under a fur coat and other delicacies difficult to locate in USA, but also because I have desire to start refreshment of career in new rink, new context, new pupils. Tt will better for me but also for those around me. It has been wonderful having to hear second worst version of Liebestraum in history of recorded music every day for two seasons in a row. But I must open new horizons and go back in order to move forward. Also, it has become clear that state of ice dance in Russia is worst in history and many posters on websites have been saying so and embellishing the comments with many points of exclamation. This has resulted in effort by Russian Federation to implement drastic changes similar to secret plot to allow Moskvina to choose musics for Tarasova and Morosov. Of course that is not ice dance, but example I make related to similar discussions happening on web forums. We must listen to learned experts who are greatly respected and I hope I also become seen as expert in both technique and art as I move to next juncture of coaching practice.
Madison Hubbell: Did you hear the news, bitches? I’m engaged! Yes, that’s right, I’m totally going to be part of a married couple in skating. A married couple in skating? you ask. And yes, it is uncommon. But there’s a reason for that: skaters tend to avoid getting engaged and married because they’re worried that television commentators would focus on that—emphasize it repeatedly, even. And, if that happened, then people would make fun of the obsessive focus on marriage and even make jokes about married couples which would indicate a horrific insensitivity toward love. The world still does need love, true love, though. And sex. True sex is a good thing. Also, this isn’t really related to my message here, but my partner—on ice, that is—has been in the process of filing a couple of restraining orders recently. Just a warning there. Anyway, I gotta go see if I can get Nathan and/or Evan to pull some strings with Vera Wang.
Maxim Kovtun: Yo yo yo! Max “Vanilla Black Russian” K. is in the hizzy. I got a 40 of Baltika and thirsty bitches in the back of my Escalade, but I’m not too busy spitting rhymes to switch coaches and come back with my hard take-no-prisoners assault on the sissy-ass world of men’s skating. I’m not slow, I’ve got mad flow and I’ll have new things to show to my boys and my hos, there will be no competition because I’m on a mission from the kitchen I got new ammunition. So don’t be hatin’ and when you see my skatin’ you’’ be salivatin’ and the judges will forget all my grudges. Yhat loser Plushenko will let go when he sees what I will put on show. You’ll forget Kolyada’s Elvis shit and Aliev will look like the pits when you see me because I’m 2 legit 2 quit. Word to your babushka.
Max Aaron: As the great American bard William Joel once sang, “[Y]ou’re aching for the things you haven't got/ What went wrong?” I can’t lie—I have felt miserable too many times over the past few seasons. I wanted to cut loose, to kick off my Shabbat skates and become a showtune warhorse ballet artist. Maybe some people didn’t get it—didn’t believe in it—but it was my authentic expression of my best self. I didn’t want to shake my ass and thrust my hips, even though it probably would have been far more successful, because that isn’t me. You can tell me I have a good body but I will not hold it against you. It was honesty—the same honesty that Billy Joel had to discover within himself after he drunk drove into someone’s garage—that fueled my project as a skater. And the dream may be over, but it was a wild ride and I’ve got a whole lot of black tights and blouses to show for it.
Pashakan Sultanalieva: Party party fresh fun sparkling ecstasy happy joy smiling kiss and cry camera raise your hands fun fun exciting! Whoooooooooooo! Fun selfie big smile glittering beautiful party fun happy is fun for all in arena to share happy camera film magic! Enjoy good time fun with happy joy picture say cheese look big smile gums I can’t feel my body but fun joy happy yes savor ecstatic smile. Precious love fetal Carmen joy big happy Morricone double triple happy loop fun Lutz extreme life goodness Salchow! Let’s return fun happy bringing the feelings to joy memory camera roll rotation for many happy years fun to enjoy future love!
Adam Rippon: Actually, I wrote a song to the tune of “Lucky” by Britney Spears. I’m going to record it and release it as a debut single—available on iTunes starting in May—and you might see it at a Stars on Ice near you as well.
“Sassy”
Music by Max Martin, Rami, and Alexander Kronlund
Lyrics by Adam Rippon
Vocals by Adam Rippon
Fiercely sheer eleganza by Adam Rippon
This is a story about a boy who’s Sassy
Early morning, he wakes up
Drink, drink, drink protein shake
It's time for workout, perfect abs
And that big butt people think is fake
They go
Isn't he sassy, West Hollywood boy?
And they say
He’s so sassy, he's a god
Though he bombs, bombs, bombs and he’s got no quad, skating
Wurq those dance moves, flips and dips and swirls
This Angel Boy don’t need no curls
Fabulous eyebrows, freshly waxed
And the spray tan even all around
You can call him flopper or just buy him poppers
Ross Miner can beat him when he splats
They go
He’s such a diva, West Hollywood boy
Token gay
Featured athlete, TV fluff
When he’s not on ice he’ll still be on Scruff, cruising
Does it matter if his scores make sense?
We all loved his shade to Mike Pence
Best dancer, and the winner is Adam
I’m Jackie Wong for Rocker Skating outside the arena waiting for Adam
Oh my god, he’s so fierce!
He is a bondage-tuxed Hollywood boy
He is so stunning, they all want to shout
Why are so many staying closeted
When life’s much fiercer out
And they say he’s our winner, he’s our guy
Even with programs just as empty as Mirai’s, skating
In mesh costumes, dazzling luscious bling
And at cheese fests you’ll hear him sing
What are your hopes, wishes, dreams, and fantasies for next season?
Ashley Wagner: I am furious! For the past decade, I have been keeping spots for the U.S. while the girls around me were struggling with inconsistency, changing their programs more often in one season than the total amount of times I skated to Moulin Rouge, and writing right-wing tweets from their college sorority houses. And this is the thanks that I get? No, this time I am not furious about the results at Nationals; I am furious about the casting for Dancing with the Stars. Tonya? Are you frickin’ kidding me? If anyone deserves a second chance in the spotlight, it’s not that hardened criminal. And it’s not even her second chance, but like her fifty-seventh. I mean, that’s more chances than years that Hao Zhang has been alive, although not by much. And Mirai? Sure, I get that it’s this whole “vindication for not being chosen over me in 2014” storyline, but come the **** on. I had the body of work. Anyway, so I guess I hope that at some point I’ll be less furious. But, for now, I am pretty damn furious!
Angelika Krylova: After much searching of soul, I have determined it is necessary to return to Russia. This is not just because I miss taste of herring under a fur coat and other delicacies difficult to locate in USA, but also because I have desire to start refreshment of career in new rink, new context, new pupils. Tt will better for me but also for those around me. It has been wonderful having to hear second worst version of Liebestraum in history of recorded music every day for two seasons in a row. But I must open new horizons and go back in order to move forward. Also, it has become clear that state of ice dance in Russia is worst in history and many posters on websites have been saying so and embellishing the comments with many points of exclamation. This has resulted in effort by Russian Federation to implement drastic changes similar to secret plot to allow Moskvina to choose musics for Tarasova and Morosov. Of course that is not ice dance, but example I make related to similar discussions happening on web forums. We must listen to learned experts who are greatly respected and I hope I also become seen as expert in both technique and art as I move to next juncture of coaching practice.
Madison Hubbell: Did you hear the news, bitches? I’m engaged! Yes, that’s right, I’m totally going to be part of a married couple in skating. A married couple in skating? you ask. And yes, it is uncommon. But there’s a reason for that: skaters tend to avoid getting engaged and married because they’re worried that television commentators would focus on that—emphasize it repeatedly, even. And, if that happened, then people would make fun of the obsessive focus on marriage and even make jokes about married couples which would indicate a horrific insensitivity toward love. The world still does need love, true love, though. And sex. True sex is a good thing. Also, this isn’t really related to my message here, but my partner—on ice, that is—has been in the process of filing a couple of restraining orders recently. Just a warning there. Anyway, I gotta go see if I can get Nathan and/or Evan to pull some strings with Vera Wang.
Maxim Kovtun: Yo yo yo! Max “Vanilla Black Russian” K. is in the hizzy. I got a 40 of Baltika and thirsty bitches in the back of my Escalade, but I’m not too busy spitting rhymes to switch coaches and come back with my hard take-no-prisoners assault on the sissy-ass world of men’s skating. I’m not slow, I’ve got mad flow and I’ll have new things to show to my boys and my hos, there will be no competition because I’m on a mission from the kitchen I got new ammunition. So don’t be hatin’ and when you see my skatin’ you’’ be salivatin’ and the judges will forget all my grudges. Yhat loser Plushenko will let go when he sees what I will put on show. You’ll forget Kolyada’s Elvis shit and Aliev will look like the pits when you see me because I’m 2 legit 2 quit. Word to your babushka.
Max Aaron: As the great American bard William Joel once sang, “[Y]ou’re aching for the things you haven't got/ What went wrong?” I can’t lie—I have felt miserable too many times over the past few seasons. I wanted to cut loose, to kick off my Shabbat skates and become a showtune warhorse ballet artist. Maybe some people didn’t get it—didn’t believe in it—but it was my authentic expression of my best self. I didn’t want to shake my ass and thrust my hips, even though it probably would have been far more successful, because that isn’t me. You can tell me I have a good body but I will not hold it against you. It was honesty—the same honesty that Billy Joel had to discover within himself after he drunk drove into someone’s garage—that fueled my project as a skater. And the dream may be over, but it was a wild ride and I’ve got a whole lot of black tights and blouses to show for it.
Pashakan Sultanalieva: Party party fresh fun sparkling ecstasy happy joy smiling kiss and cry camera raise your hands fun fun exciting! Whoooooooooooo! Fun selfie big smile glittering beautiful party fun happy is fun for all in arena to share happy camera film magic! Enjoy good time fun with happy joy picture say cheese look big smile gums I can’t feel my body but fun joy happy yes savor ecstatic smile. Precious love fetal Carmen joy big happy Morricone double triple happy loop fun Lutz extreme life goodness Salchow! Let’s return fun happy bringing the feelings to joy memory camera roll rotation for many happy years fun to enjoy future love!
Adam Rippon: Actually, I wrote a song to the tune of “Lucky” by Britney Spears. I’m going to record it and release it as a debut single—available on iTunes starting in May—and you might see it at a Stars on Ice near you as well.
“Sassy”
Music by Max Martin, Rami, and Alexander Kronlund
Lyrics by Adam Rippon
Vocals by Adam Rippon
Fiercely sheer eleganza by Adam Rippon
This is a story about a boy who’s Sassy
Early morning, he wakes up
Drink, drink, drink protein shake
It's time for workout, perfect abs
And that big butt people think is fake
They go
Isn't he sassy, West Hollywood boy?
And they say
He’s so sassy, he's a god
Though he bombs, bombs, bombs and he’s got no quad, skating
Wurq those dance moves, flips and dips and swirls
This Angel Boy don’t need no curls
Fabulous eyebrows, freshly waxed
And the spray tan even all around
You can call him flopper or just buy him poppers
Ross Miner can beat him when he splats
They go
He’s such a diva, West Hollywood boy
Token gay
Featured athlete, TV fluff
When he’s not on ice he’ll still be on Scruff, cruising
Does it matter if his scores make sense?
We all loved his shade to Mike Pence
Best dancer, and the winner is Adam
I’m Jackie Wong for Rocker Skating outside the arena waiting for Adam
Oh my god, he’s so fierce!
He is a bondage-tuxed Hollywood boy
He is so stunning, they all want to shout
Why are so many staying closeted
When life’s much fiercer out
And they say he’s our winner, he’s our guy
Even with programs just as empty as Mirai’s, skating
In mesh costumes, dazzling luscious bling
And at cheese fests you’ll hear him sing
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