Aerobicidal
Shut that door.
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Ivana Komova’s interview with Brian Boitano and Brian Orser for greatmilitarybattles.us:
IK: Thank you two for giving me my first opportunity to take on two subjects at once. I imagine it was hard for both of you to set time aside to sit down for this.
BB: I don’t know how much time he spends sitting down, but my colleague over there can certainly tell you what it’s like taking on two subjects at once.
BO: It is definitely a challenge to coach the two best men in the world right now, but the Cricket Club is such a warm environment that everyone forms really supportive, mutual relationships.
BB: Do you know who else I hear is an expert at creating warm environments?
BO: I couldn’t possibly guess.
IK: First, I want to ask you about the famous night in Calgary when you two took on each other for the gold. What was it like, that night, being the two Brians in the Battle of the Brians?
BO: I wanted to show I could do what I always do when there aren’t crowds. So I took a deep breath, tried to be as flexible as possible so I could take it all in, and braced myself to perform under pressure.
BB: Couldn’t have said it better myself. After so much build-up, the climax of the event was going to be a huge release for everyone invested in it. And even though I won the gold, that was only a little bit more important than proving I had the stamina and powerful thighs I needed to crush the competition.
BO: Hey, it was close!
BB: Yes, we were.
IK: You two were both known as versatile skaters.
BB and BO: [gasps]
IK: Do you think that men’s skating is focusing too much on quads and moving away from the artistry associated with well-rounded skaters like yourselves?
BB: I’ll let my colleague answer first, as he’s obviously more well-rounded than I am.
BO: As you know, Ivana, neither of us tried a quad in Calgary. It just wasn’t something men were expected to do at the time. Today, there are tiny Asians from all over the world pushing the technical envelope so hard, you need to grab it if you want to be competitive.
BB: When I was competing, I was always confused about what men were expected to do. Hello, mixed messages! Anyway, even if we weren’t rotating quads in Calgary, we were both pushing it—pushing it read good. And I was also spreading it. For being considered the less artistic one, I sure held that spread eagle in my long program.
BO: Ten seconds of spreading in a long program about the stages of a soldier’s life. What were you and Sandra Bezic thinking?
IK: Mr. Orser, you also skated to a martial-themed program with music by the wonderful Russian composer Shostakovich. But I want to hear your thoughts on the current state of men’s skating, Mr. Boitano.
BB: I’m too busy to keep up with it, but I did catch Adam Rippon’s short program last season and that was something that got me excited.
BO: And you just couldn’t hide it, I bet.
IK: Since retiring, you two have chosen completely different paths. I want to ask Brian Boitano what led you from figure skating to being a cooking presenter?
BB: I’ve always been fascinated by sausage. I remember growing up, being around concession stands and trying to figure out if I could reproduce their hot dogs in my own kitchen. Was it possible to experience such a perfect wiener at home? After I retired from skating, I spent years traveling around the world, sampling different sausages and now I want to share all my tricks with viewers at home.
BO: That’s very generous of you to be willing to share your tricks.
BB: It’s a Food Network tradition. Just look at Giada De Laurentiis.
IK: And you, Mr. Orser, have established yourself as a very distinguished coach. I want to hear some of your secrets to success, but first I have to ask about your split with Yuna Kim.
BO: Why you ask that question, I? Look, Yuna tried to make it seem like I wasn’t willing to bend myself backwards, forward, and akimbo to deal with her “reasonable” demands. Let me tell you something: I spend my life traveling the world carrying a thousands ****ing pieces of Winnie the Pooh flair while deranged women in surgical masks try to hurl themselves at my most popular skater. I hold that Pooh tissue box and snotty used Kleenex and deal with skating parents from Japan and Canada and Sweden and South Korea and don’t even ****ing get me started on the mother from Kazakhstan and Yuna thinks I was ungenerous?
BB: Speaking of generosity, I have a wonderful recipe for when you want something light and refreshing at your summer barbecues. I brought some for us to try. They’re cucumber tea sandwiches, but I’ve really enhanced this classic recipe by topping them with some salmon roe so they’re salty, dainty, poppable bites! Practically no calories, which I’m sure you’ll both appreciate for different reasons.
IK: Do we have some iced Stolichnaya to serve with these?
BO: Salty, dainty, and poppable? Are those also the words that describe your drag alter ego, Mona Pleasure?
BB: Eat your sandwich, Big Daddy.
BO: I bet you really liked working with these cucumbers. It’s no surprise your cooking career centers around sausages, either. Ironic that even though you’ve loved sausages for decades, you just came out what, ten minutes ago?
BB: At least I did it by choice! I wasn’t forced out like when Johnny Weir has to use a shoehorn to take off his jeans. Or when my light and healthy chicken chorizo goes through the extruder attachment into synthetic casing before I turn it into a festive paella.
IK: I think it might be time for us each to have a nice shot of vodka.
BO: At least I’m still relevant in figure skating.
BB: Yes, congratulate yourself for living vicariously through some Spanish twink. I frankly—speaking of sausages—can’t believe you even make him wear your own costumes. Really, it’s all very Sunset Blvd.
BO: I saw your cooking show in HD and you aren’t ready for any close-ups, I can tell you that. And I thought you didn’t follow skating anymore.
IK: Seconds, anyone?
BB: I don’t, but I was on my annual trip to Spain exploring new trends in chorizo a couple years ago and I visited a steam bath where there were pictures of Fernandez all over the walls.
BO: A steam bath? Are you sure this was Spanish and not Finnish?
BB: Oh, you can get a Finnish there for the right price.
IK: This has been a very enlightening talk for all of us. Thank you so much and, to all readers of Ivana, enjoy the rest of the off-season! I will see you in October for Grand Prix series preview to talk about righteous upcoming victories of Zagitova and Aliev!
IK: Thank you two for giving me my first opportunity to take on two subjects at once. I imagine it was hard for both of you to set time aside to sit down for this.
BB: I don’t know how much time he spends sitting down, but my colleague over there can certainly tell you what it’s like taking on two subjects at once.
BO: It is definitely a challenge to coach the two best men in the world right now, but the Cricket Club is such a warm environment that everyone forms really supportive, mutual relationships.
BB: Do you know who else I hear is an expert at creating warm environments?
BO: I couldn’t possibly guess.
IK: First, I want to ask you about the famous night in Calgary when you two took on each other for the gold. What was it like, that night, being the two Brians in the Battle of the Brians?
BO: I wanted to show I could do what I always do when there aren’t crowds. So I took a deep breath, tried to be as flexible as possible so I could take it all in, and braced myself to perform under pressure.
BB: Couldn’t have said it better myself. After so much build-up, the climax of the event was going to be a huge release for everyone invested in it. And even though I won the gold, that was only a little bit more important than proving I had the stamina and powerful thighs I needed to crush the competition.
BO: Hey, it was close!
BB: Yes, we were.
IK: You two were both known as versatile skaters.
BB and BO: [gasps]
IK: Do you think that men’s skating is focusing too much on quads and moving away from the artistry associated with well-rounded skaters like yourselves?
BB: I’ll let my colleague answer first, as he’s obviously more well-rounded than I am.
BO: As you know, Ivana, neither of us tried a quad in Calgary. It just wasn’t something men were expected to do at the time. Today, there are tiny Asians from all over the world pushing the technical envelope so hard, you need to grab it if you want to be competitive.
BB: When I was competing, I was always confused about what men were expected to do. Hello, mixed messages! Anyway, even if we weren’t rotating quads in Calgary, we were both pushing it—pushing it read good. And I was also spreading it. For being considered the less artistic one, I sure held that spread eagle in my long program.
BO: Ten seconds of spreading in a long program about the stages of a soldier’s life. What were you and Sandra Bezic thinking?
IK: Mr. Orser, you also skated to a martial-themed program with music by the wonderful Russian composer Shostakovich. But I want to hear your thoughts on the current state of men’s skating, Mr. Boitano.
BB: I’m too busy to keep up with it, but I did catch Adam Rippon’s short program last season and that was something that got me excited.
BO: And you just couldn’t hide it, I bet.
IK: Since retiring, you two have chosen completely different paths. I want to ask Brian Boitano what led you from figure skating to being a cooking presenter?
BB: I’ve always been fascinated by sausage. I remember growing up, being around concession stands and trying to figure out if I could reproduce their hot dogs in my own kitchen. Was it possible to experience such a perfect wiener at home? After I retired from skating, I spent years traveling around the world, sampling different sausages and now I want to share all my tricks with viewers at home.
BO: That’s very generous of you to be willing to share your tricks.
BB: It’s a Food Network tradition. Just look at Giada De Laurentiis.
IK: And you, Mr. Orser, have established yourself as a very distinguished coach. I want to hear some of your secrets to success, but first I have to ask about your split with Yuna Kim.
BO: Why you ask that question, I? Look, Yuna tried to make it seem like I wasn’t willing to bend myself backwards, forward, and akimbo to deal with her “reasonable” demands. Let me tell you something: I spend my life traveling the world carrying a thousands ****ing pieces of Winnie the Pooh flair while deranged women in surgical masks try to hurl themselves at my most popular skater. I hold that Pooh tissue box and snotty used Kleenex and deal with skating parents from Japan and Canada and Sweden and South Korea and don’t even ****ing get me started on the mother from Kazakhstan and Yuna thinks I was ungenerous?
BB: Speaking of generosity, I have a wonderful recipe for when you want something light and refreshing at your summer barbecues. I brought some for us to try. They’re cucumber tea sandwiches, but I’ve really enhanced this classic recipe by topping them with some salmon roe so they’re salty, dainty, poppable bites! Practically no calories, which I’m sure you’ll both appreciate for different reasons.
IK: Do we have some iced Stolichnaya to serve with these?
BO: Salty, dainty, and poppable? Are those also the words that describe your drag alter ego, Mona Pleasure?
BB: Eat your sandwich, Big Daddy.
BO: I bet you really liked working with these cucumbers. It’s no surprise your cooking career centers around sausages, either. Ironic that even though you’ve loved sausages for decades, you just came out what, ten minutes ago?
BB: At least I did it by choice! I wasn’t forced out like when Johnny Weir has to use a shoehorn to take off his jeans. Or when my light and healthy chicken chorizo goes through the extruder attachment into synthetic casing before I turn it into a festive paella.
IK: I think it might be time for us each to have a nice shot of vodka.
BO: At least I’m still relevant in figure skating.
BB: Yes, congratulate yourself for living vicariously through some Spanish twink. I frankly—speaking of sausages—can’t believe you even make him wear your own costumes. Really, it’s all very Sunset Blvd.
BO: I saw your cooking show in HD and you aren’t ready for any close-ups, I can tell you that. And I thought you didn’t follow skating anymore.
IK: Seconds, anyone?
BB: I don’t, but I was on my annual trip to Spain exploring new trends in chorizo a couple years ago and I visited a steam bath where there were pictures of Fernandez all over the walls.
BO: A steam bath? Are you sure this was Spanish and not Finnish?
BB: Oh, you can get a Finnish there for the right price.
IK: This has been a very enlightening talk for all of us. Thank you so much and, to all readers of Ivana, enjoy the rest of the off-season! I will see you in October for Grand Prix series preview to talk about righteous upcoming victories of Zagitova and Aliev!
Some real zingers, and it definitely sounds like each of their personalities too. I think Ivana was advisedly allowing these two Olympic military battlers to go at it with the least interference possible, all in fun of course. 
