Gracie Gold's memoir published February 2024

[moonvine]

I love her more than ever, if that's remotely possible.

 

[Foolhardy Ham Lint]

There's always reasons.

What if she could have gone to the Olympics but missed out because we didn't support her enough/didn't send her to the right coach/stopped paying for it because we thought we couldn't afford it. We wouldn't be good parents if we didn't do everything we could. If we don't she'll be disappointed in us forever.

That coach isn't too tough, you're too lazy. You'll thank him/her later on for pushing you.

What do you mean, you're hurt. You're going to be sore, and if you aren't sore you're not training hard enough. Quit whining and get back out there.

And so on, and so forth.......

Nothing will top a friend of mine who was training at Ice Castles the same time as Tiffany Chin.

When Tiffany kept missing a jump, her mother took the skater aside and hit her (right in front of the other skaters).

 

[Allskate]

What's interesting is I believe its been said in different venues that Ashley Wagner was the one to first push Susie Parker-Simmons to do something, it's not clear that they would have intervened directly to Gracie immediately at that moment of it it would have taken longer otherwise. Probably a culmination of things at any rate given the picture Gracie paints of that Champs Camp.

I think Ashley did that at 2016 Champs Camp, and officials were not successful in convincing Gracie to get help then. I think that it wasn't until 2017 Champs Camp that officials were successful in convincing Gracie, when Gracie was at her lowest point.

 

[Simone411]

I haven't ordered the book, but I plan on it. I read the article from Elle, and this in particular is something that all of us should let soak in.

In doing so, I want to advocate for better mental health management for athletes and continue having the hard conversations that my story has started. When I decided to write my memoir, I initially wanted to title it Failed Anorexic. Then I reconsidered. Not everybody has body issues. But who among us hasn’t battled a voice that tells us we’re not enough? So, hello, to my book: Outofshapeworthlessloser. If my story can help one reader feel truly seen, I’ll consider it a success.

I breathed life into my Outofshapeworthlessloser persona when I covered up the eccentricities and feelings and behaviors that make me, me. Accepting that I’m worthy of love and respect and acceptance just the way I am has been a dagger to Outofshapeworthlessloser’s black heart. Bye girl. I can’t say I miss her at all.

It's that last part where she discussed accepting that she was worthy of love and acceptance just the way she was, and I'm so glad that she can see that now.

I can't begin to count the number of times that comments were made in posts that were so critical of Gracie in the Kiss and Cry forum when she was competing. Comments like "Oh wow! Gracie has gained so much weight!" And "She doesn't look fit to be out there!" "Gosh! Gracie can't seem to stay on her feet" or "Gracie has fallen on nearly every jump. Maybe she should call it quits."

I always posted instead and wished her the best of luck, and wishing she had a clean skate." And even if she didn't have a clean skate, I was still proud of her for having the guts to get out on the ice and at least try.

Watching on TV and in the arena, I would see people from here at Nationals or Worlds cheering her on, and that made me realize how many of us did care about and love Gracie. There may have been some on here that criticized Gracie for every little thing she did, but there were also so many of us that truly cared about Gracie and I am one of them.

 

[Allskate]

I can totally see many parents steering their kids out of skating and into hockey or softball or football (soccer) as all sports where women are succeeding and even offer some athletic scholarships.

Gracie's mother did the opposite. Apparently, her mom wasn't thrilled when she punched a boy while playing soccer.

I do think that there are plenty of kids who love figure skating and don't love these other sports. And when they start, many probably aren't thinking that they will end up at an elite level. (And some who are at an elite level in figure skating wouldn't necessarily be at an elite level in other sports and getting scholarships.) Sometimes, sports are good just for the enjoyment of it and the social skills and other skills, not being the best or winning the medals and scholarships.

I really have to ask whether all kids who do figure skating end up with the kinds of physical and mental health problems as some of the highest level skaters like Gracie do. It might not always be skating itself, but the coaches and parents and a perfectionist athlete who beats themselves up over every mistake.

And it's not just skating and gymnastics. There definitely are overly intense parents in other sports, including soccer and swimming and golf.

 

[manhn]

We can’t colour the past with nostalgia either. Liz Manley wrote in her book that her hair was falling out during her amateur career due to the stress.

 

[Prancer]

And it's not just skating and gymnastics. There definitely are overly intense parents in other sports, including soccer and swimming and golf.

Not to mention academics. But also music and dance and anything else at which children can excel.

 

[overedge]

We can’t colour the past with nostalgia either. Liz Manley wrote in her book that her hair was falling out during her amateur career due to the stress.

And that other skaters were bullying her about it - like giving her a can of hairspray in the dressing room and laughing at her - which Skate Canada knew and did nothing about.

 

[overedge]

Nothing will top a friend of mine who was training at Ice Castles the same time as Tiffany Chin.

When Tiffany kept missing a jump, her mother took the skater aside and hit her (right in front of the other skaters).

I'm not sure who posted this recently, but at times Vincent Zhou's mother was apparently so abusive to him at the rink that the police were called, more than once.

 

[Lanie]

I'm not sure who posted this recently, but at times Vincent Zhou's mother was apparently so abusive to him at the rink that the police were called, more than once.

I've read that here more than once.

My dad got banned from our rink for awhile because he blew up at an abusive mom and started throwing it down verbally at her abusing her child (they did end up yelling at each other). Of course, the abusive skate mom was okay and the behavior continued until this little girl had what amounted in my then-17 year old eyes to a breakdown.

It is fcuked up.

I haven't seen it at my rink I skate at yet, or the one I've brought Mini to skate at. They are all pretty positive, supportive environments, which is amazing. Definitely was so common seeing so much shit growing up at the rink or when I did gymnastics.

 

[skatfan]

Not sure if this has been posted.This Week in Skating podcast interviewed Gracie.

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[Habs]

We can’t colour the past with nostalgia either. Liz Manley wrote in her book that her hair was falling out during her amateur career due to the stress.

Liz Manley’s (first) book is fabulous.

 

[MacMadame]

(And some who are at an elite level in figure skating wouldn't necessarily be at an elite level in other sports and getting scholarships.)

But that's okay. If your kid loves several sports and one of them is figure skating, why would you steer them to the one that was full of abuse and was incredibly expensive? They can learn all the good things that sports can teach with a sport that they aren't going to be elite level just as easily as one that might also abuse them.

 

[Allskate]

But that's okay. If your kid loves several sports and one of them is figure skating, why would you steer them to the one that was full of abuse and was incredibly expensive? They can learn all the good things that sports can teach with a sport that they aren't going to be elite level just as easily as one that might also abuse them.

Of course, but I was responding to your post saying that you can see many parents steering their kids out of skating and into sports where women are succeeding and even offer some athletic scholarships.

Also, what you are saying is a big "if." My niece and nephew have very strong ideas about what sports and other extra-curricular activities they like. My sister would prefer other ones, mostly because of the convenience for her, but her efforts to convince them have been unsuccessful and she constantly complains about it. Of course, that doesn't mean a parent has to go all out even when they think it is harmful or ridiculously expensive. They should either drop the sport or switch to a more affordable and healthy coach, rink, etc. Kids can just do recreational skating, etc. Also, if kids themselves are being too intense and perfectionist, a parent should try to address that; the anxiety and stress sometimes is self-imposed. (This is true for academics, too.)

 

[SkateFanBerlin]

Copy on way to Berlin!

 

[Immortelle]

Chapter 10 and I want to slap Tara Lipinski so hard

 

[dancefan17]

First, I have not read the book yet. But reading through the comments, I wanted to add some perspective from personal experience. If parents are involved (and most I know were heavily involved in skating decisions), they quickly realize that their child spends more time with their coaching staff than they do with you as they are getting more serious about skating and climbing through the ranks. Choose your coaches accordingly. There are many options at the elite level and many wonderful coaches who value the person and the experience as much as the results. There are many happy moments and challenges along the way and I always felt our coaching staff equally and competently supported both in a constructive manner. It also takes a village, which can be very expensive. Off-ice trainers, stretching/flexibility trainers and other specialists are needed. The same rigor in selecting these resources and managing them are needed.

And why select skating, given the expenses? At the risk of sounding cliche, sometimes it’s the sport that chooses or inspires the child. And starting out, it is sometimes just basic skills classes or moves in the field once or twice a week. I am not sure anyone goes into this thinking their child will get to an elite level, even if that sounds naive.

My heart breaks as it seems Gracie did not have the support she needed, even in working with adults and coaches who should have provided different and more effective physical and mental health support.

 

[aml78]

Chapter 10 and I want to slap Tara Lipinski so hard

Makes me wonder how Gracie was going to work with Johnny. And did that plan fall apart because she wanted to keep competing or because of what was written in this book…

 

[Wyliefan]

Ah, good question. I hadn't thought of that!

 

[Cayuse]

It's great that Gracie has a manager that is getting her and her book so much press. Hopefully, the book will set off a movement to make parents and coaches more aware of abuse (mentally and physically) that can happen in any sports situation (or any youth organization). Even in my very rural area (where everyone thinks they know everyone), I've heard basketball coaches screaming at players on the court. The coach may think this is the way to motivate their team, but I see it as abuse. As a parent, I did address this behavior with my daughter's coach and he listened. Many coaches coach the same way that they were coached--parents need to speak up. Applause for Gracie for being a strong advocate for changing the system.

 

[Carolla5501]

There's a lot of "blaming others" for things that were said to skaters on here... but do we police ourselves? I've read some NASTY comments on here about Gracie and other skaters. I think we need to make sure that we hold ourselves to the standards we seem to be promoting here... I've been abused for pointing out that calling skaters fat etc was "inappropriate" No, it's not OK because we are hiding behind a made up identity!

 

[Badams]

Chapter 17 was sad. A good reminder that people are not one dimensional. Someone's monster can also be another person's lifeline.

 

[Jimena]

Chapter 10 and I want to slap Tara Lipinski so hard

What did she do?

 

[Willin]

Makes me wonder how Gracie was going to work with Johnny. And did that plan fall apart because she wanted to keep competing or because of what was written in this book…

Based on his reality show and all the stories about him, it doesn't seem like he plays a character for TV, but perhaps he does.

I think, too, Johnny's coaching philosophy lines up very much with her own. Sometimes you can make for good coworkers even if you don't necessarily like each other.

 

[snoopysnake]

Spoiler alert

Excellent read not just for skaters and their parents, coaches, peers, and fans, but for anyone who is suffering with a mental illness.

Now for the spoiler. I know there will be people who will be critical of my opinion, but I was dismayed to read that While she was at the rehab facility, Gracie took up smoking. She said she considered it a disgusting habit until she tried it. Why would an elite, non-smoking, adult-who-should-know-better, athlete decide to take up smoking? (In this case, probably from boredom and the enabling of smoking by the rehab facility.) She sounds almost proud that she could consider herself a "Marlboro Girl" and a "Newport Ninja." She said she switched to vape and in my opinion, she was boasting about that as well. She gave the popular excuses that she'd discovered a new way to prevent excess eating, and that she thinks that everyone's entitled to one vice. I hope that she'll decide that this choice of hers is NOT worth the consequences, which could include inspiring students of hers to follow in her smokey/vapey footsteps.

 

[Allskate]

Spoiler alert

I understand this. I was surprised when she mentioned vaping at the beginning of the book. I hope she isn't encouraging it and that she finds a way to give it up. Smoking and vaping aren't healthy. But, I also hope she isn't beating herself up too much about it. She beats herself up enough.

 

[Aceon6]

People in recovery from addiction A often move on to addiction B, especially if there are underlying issues. Substituting smoking or vaping for some other behavior may actually be progress. We don’t know.

 

[overedge]

Liz Manley’s (first) book is fabulous.

Her second book is a bit padded out in places, but the stories of backstage intrigue at professional shows and competitions are worth the read.

 

[Anita18]

It's that last part where she discussed accepting that she was worthy of love and acceptance just the way she was, and I'm so glad that she can see that now.

I didn't truly understand the magnitude of this mindset shift until I had a child with someone who, as a child himself, was only given affection and opportunities for connection by his parents and grandparents when he was perfect. And often, nothing my husband ever did was right in the eyes of his family. Needless to say, he's got perfectionism and anxiety issues. And that is a complete understatement - he doubts every decision he makes because he has debilitating thoughts of the outcome not being perfect. It permeates his every waking moment. (And yes, he's gone to therapy for years for this, as well as for other childhood physical and emotional abuse.)

He was able to mask it before we had a baby, because I'm very emotionally independent and he could spend hours and hours every day on his own. (I've since figured out he was spending those hours simply decompressing from work.) However, becoming a parent completely upends your brain, and so his usual coping strategies didn't work anymore. Now he's seeing an occupational therapist.

We've since had deep convos about this, and it was then that I started to truly understand how utterly damaging it is for a child to only experience conditional love. It'll affect them the rest of their life, because it's been hardwired into their brains and bodies. There will always be a little voice telling them they're not worthy, and they'll spend the rest of their life trying to fight against that.

Judging by the convos in here, it's extremely common in elite sports. (And my husband is a nobody, has done nothing at any elite level. Just someone with perfectionist parents and grandparents.) It breaks my heart.

I'm glad Gracie has grown to be aware of all this. I wish her nothing the best in the rest of her journey.

 

[moonvine]

Chapter 10 and I want to slap Tara Lipinski so hard

For me that's just another day.