Not with the love of your life

[ToFarAwayTimes]

I mean don't you see how this reads? Read it out loud.

No, you don't see how it reads, respectfully. If you go back and read the actual OP you quoted, I listed an entire menu of options I could possibly take. From A to Z. You and others picked out one specifically that you did not like as though it was the only choice I considered and then trashed the entire thread with projection in your replies. I've been indulging some of you for awhile now and just letting you run with it, because you've all been so carried away with your projection.

Hanca, Spun Silver, Mrs. Japanfan, perhaps others have made quality contributions. I'm not here to ask for permission what I should do or what I shouldn't do or take a poll. I simply wanted to hear other people's stories. For those that have shared, thank you for posting.

 

[VGThuy]

The fact that it's on a list of options means it's something you could take, thus I think it's worth commenting on. It's also something you've repeated throughout this thread in justifying why you think it'd be ok to pursue her. What you call "projecting" is your way to dismiss the very real reactions people have had to your posts. The posters you cited gave quality posts, but they're not saying anything the rest of us haven't said either.

 

[ToFarAwayTimes]

The fact that it's on a list of options means it's something you could take, thus I think it's worth commenting on.

Yes, that's fair. But you should acknowledge that it's one option and you would advise against that option ... here's why.

Instead, the posts all reacted like it was the only option, you're crazy! how dare you! blah blah blah....

I mean I just had someone accuse me of being a stalker even though I have never contacted or attempted to see this person in 17 years, and stated in the thread that I have no intention of doing so at the present time, just because she felt like her ex-husband stalked her. That's the very definition of "projection".

 

[Susan1]

Yes, I belong on that list because I haven't contacted or attempted to see someone in over 17 years. Good one!

Not yet. But you are still irrationally obsessed.

You have been projecting your experience as though it applies to every single other person out there.

Actually, no I didn't. I was lucky.

 

[mella]

I was watching something a few days ago about "ghosting" and our need for closure and the person said "the ghosting is your closure".

She walked away with no explanation and exorcised you from her life. Whatever went before that (in terms of badly timed love, potential misunderstandings, unknown upsets etc) fades away against the very deliberate decision she made to walk away. Whatever her reason was there can be no doubt about her not really meaning it. She no longer wanted the two of you to be in each others lives. And she has not changed her mind in the 17 years since and has actively chosen a different life. If you actually respected her as you say you do you would respect the decision that she made and continues to make every day she doesn't contact you.

I'm baffled that someone who wouldn't kiss someone because they had a long distance boyfriend (apparently decent) has become someone actively contemplating going on a mission to break up someone's marriage.

 

[Vagabond]

Am I supposed to fix something between us? Is there something unfinished? Something that was unsaid?

In the Mood for Love - Final Sequence

The end of the Wong Kar Wai's In the Mood for Love, influenced by Roman Holiday.

www.youtube.com

I've never had a dream about her until tonight. I woke up in the middle of the night, having dreamed that I was at that temple,
Angkor Wat,
but she wasn't there.

But this is just one more dream you have had in which she wasn't there! She has not been in any of your dreams, as far as you can remember! It sounds like you were dreaming about being the male lead in In the Mood for Love and substituted her for the Maggie Cheung character.

Either that, or you really are trolling us.

What if dreams don’t actually mean anything?

That’s the conclusion drawn by some modern neuroscientists, who believe that dreams are just a side effect of more fundamental neurological processes. Although people often think that the brain is shut down during sleep, researchers now know that sleep is a period of intense neurological activity. One of the main reasons we sleep may be to allow the brain to consolidate and organize our memories. Much like computers must periodically optimize their hard disks, our brains must continuously consolidate the memories we have stored. You can think of it as a kind of neurological housecleaning, sweeping away the unnecessary experiences from the previous day and storing the important ones more securely.

www.psychologytoday.com/us/blog/supersurvivors/201801/do-dreams-really-mean-anything

No, you aren't supposed to fix things between the two of you. But you can work on fixing things within yourself. Your description of your waking life shows you to feel lonely and unfulfilled. Rather than making a fool out of yourself and possibly subjecting yourself to a restraining order, why don't you find other, better ways of addressing these feelings? (And maybe you shouldn't watch In the Mood for Love again until you can do so with a special someone.)

 

[ToFarAwayTimes]

Vagabond, thanks for your mostly? thoughtful post. I'm just going to make one general reply, since I don't know how much time, if any, I will have to revisit this thread since not many other people shared their own personal stories.

The last actions I took in life with this woman were:

1. cuddling on the couch with her, watching a movie, her wanting me to kiss her, and me turning her down because she was still in a long-distance relationship (she broke up with him a few months later anyway, presumably to date someone local who did kiss her when she offered him the chance)

2. she asked me out to dinner the last night we saw each other. it was a pleasant evening, as always, and i walked her back to her place and politely said goodnight

3. we were no longer next-door neighbors, but then i moved again, this time to another state, and when i was settled, thinking we were just lifelong friends at that point, i tried to catch up with her and see how she was doing. it could have been a few weeks or a few months since the last time we spoke/saw each other, i don't remember, but she did not return my call and blocked me. perhaps because i did something to anger her before i moved, perhaps because i moved suddenly without telling her, or perhaps because she waited around on me for two years and when i moved away, she was only interested in a romantic relationship, and saw no further point after that

4. i was absolutely devastated by this broken bond in life. nevertheless, i have not contacted her or attempted to see her in 17 years


Somehow out of all that, I was compared to, or accused of being, a rapist, a stalker, a misogynist, a potentially abusive partner, crazy, and in need of a restraining order, by various people in this thread. Needless to say, those posts were all projection and perhaps it's those people who are in need of therapy themselves.

On the other hand, some other users did bring up valid points, about it being too late, it's in the past buddy, time to move on, or maybe i'm just fantasizing about what could have been, or maybe because she's in a marriage with children it would be a horrible thing to try and pursue her again. Conversely, I'm surprised at least one other person didn't say go for it, considering studies show AT LEAST 20% of all married women and 40% of all married men ADMIT to having extramarital affairs, and something like 50% of all marriages end in divorce. There certainly are a lot of shy FSU users reading and posting in this thread.

But when I started the thread, my intention was to see if there were other stories about people who had a similar experience, or maybe the greatest love of their life had passed on from an accident, disease, old age, somehow they had become separated for whatever reason and they just accepted it or never really accepted it, stayed alone or moved on with someone else. Obviously that was a miscalculation, but thanks to those of you who did reply!

 

[VALuvsMKwan]

You did ask for others' stories, so here goes -

My older brother developed a fixation on contacting a woman who had briefly been his girlfriend in college while he was far away from our hometown. He stayed at that college only a semester. It turned out that she had died without ever having married, and he became convinced that he had ruined her life by not continuing the relationship.

This fixation decades after the fact on this brief relationship and his thoughts about it was revealed by him in great detail to me and his current wife and grown daughters. It became the linchpin for noticing other thoughts and and behaviors he manifested which eventually led to his diagnosis of early onset dementia/Alzheimers, from which he declined quickly and caused his death only a few years later.

As others have suggested, you might consider medical examination and psychological review.

 

[Susan1]

Conversely, I'm surprised at least one other person didn't say go for it,

So you were looking for success stories of people who "went for it" and had affairs as a justification for wanting to break up a marriage and family?

Serious question though - I may have missed it in all the Muck, but how do you know she is married and has four children after 17 years? Do you have mutual acquaintances? Do they say she wonders how you are or what happened to you?

my intention was to see if there were other stories about people who had a similar experience, or maybe the greatest love of their life had passed on from an accident, disease, old age, somehow they had become separated for whatever reason and they just accepted it or never really accepted it, stayed alone or moved on with someone else.

Everyone could answer any of the above with yes. That is not what happened to you. And you didn't go off to WWII and lose your memory, forcing her to go on with her life. People have relationships, people change, a "greatest love" doesn't just block the other person and move on with no explanation and get married and have four kids. You talked of breaking up her marriage as a competition. What, has she been hoping you will show up some day and talk her into leaving her husband?

Accusing posters of projection? Mentioning affair and divorce statistics? If that was your attitude 17 years ago, no wonder she didn't want to have anything to do with you. You Need Professional Help.

 

[ToFarAwayTimes]

Everyone could answer any of the above with yes. That is not what happened to you.

Susan, your last two posts have accused me of stalking someone I have not contacted or attempted to see in 17 years , and incorrectly implying that I am only interested in hearing "what happened to me". I'm not here to get into belligerent back and forths with users, so please, be well.

Edited: I took out the snark. Not going to fight with you, my apologies if you read it.

 

[meggonzo]

I think talking to a therapist would help you resolve the root issue here since this has impacted your other relationships and you mentioned feeling that you have to act sooner rather than later. Maybe it's just that 40 is looming because I feel that! But you seem to think that being with this woman would change everything, and that's probably unlikely to happen. So best to have the tools to be able to move forward with life.

 

[once_upon]

This really reads like a bad Hallmark movie.

Lonely person reminisces about life after a year of forced isolation caused by a pandemic.

Fondly remembers a long lost love, knowing she is also lonely and wondering just what life could have.

During the same pandemic, she is wistfully thinking about long lost love as she is unhappy with her life - regretting that she ever married or had kids.

Through a chance internet connection, they discover each other once again and rekindled a relationship.

Cue - smaltzy music, snow scene, and a happily ever after ending.

EXCEPT - according to how I read it. You never kissed. You only have your impression that she wanted you to kiss her. You moved, she moved. You tried to contact her. She didn't want to speak/connect with you.

DUDE SHE BLOCKED YOU. In my limited experience with my son's ex wife it is also known as DO NOT CONTACT ME EVER AGAIN! LIKE NEVER AGAIN!

I think you've seen too many stories like "couple reunites after 40 years, never stopped living each other" stuff.

Find a hobby (other than trashy romance novels), find a therapist, do something but I recommend not trying to rekindle something that probably never existed. Anything but that. Seriously anything but that.

 

[alchemy void]

"the ghosting is your closure"

Can I get this on a tshirt, please?

 

[Susan1]

Susan, your last two posts have accused me of stalking someone I have not contacted or attempted to see in 17 years , and incorrectly implying that I am only interested in hearing "what happened to me". I'm not here to get into belligerent back and forths with users, so please, be well.

Edited: I took out the snark. Not going to fight with you, my apologies if you read it.

Serious question though - I may have missed it in all the Muck, but how do you know she is married and has four children after 17 years? Do you have mutual acquaintances? Do they say she wonders how you are or what happened to you?

You need to go back and read what you wrote. (I can't take any more.) Your posts are all over the place. You just want somebody here to give you a reason to pursue someone who did not want you. And the above was a serious question. How do you know she has 4 children?

I found out my ex was remarried because (you might need a spreadsheet) my mom and aunt went to a home decorating party (the 90's) that they were invited to by my cousin's mother-in-law, that was next door and her neighbor went to the same church as my ex and his mother was there. The first time my mom even met my ex's mother, after we were together for 9 years. (What are the odds.) She hated the new wife too. I didn't care. I was happy. I found out all the dirt after running into his daughter at the City building (more What are the odds) a few years later. I didn't find out when he got married till just a few years ago, 20+ years after the divorce, when I had same cousin, who was a legal secretary, look it up in the court filings, after it came up in conversation. I knew it didn't have anything to do with me. He met when he went back to his mother's church AFTER we got divorced. I didn't need to stalk him. Most of that just fell into my lap. I was so glad I was out of it. The whole family was/is more like a V. C. Andrews book than a Hallmark movie. I did send him a picture and letter when Sadie (my dog) died, thanking him for bringing her into my life. He was on his second marriage to his third wife, so I figured I was safe. His daughter said he thought it was nice of me to do. And that was that.

So, do you have mutual acquaintances? They could say to her "do you remember this guy?". You say you don't know what you did wrong. Are you still in contact with any other people from 17 years ago who might be able to clear that up? Maybe that would give you (I'm going to have to say it) closure. And you need to let it go. And, seriously, talk to a therapist. This obsession, whether you ever do anything about it or not, has gone on too long.

p.s. certain people on this board could tell you I love snark. As long as it is not mean and uncalled for.

 

[quartz]

Here’s a story, since you want stories, from the book I’m currently reading: set during the 6th century in what is now Scotland, where Languoreth, daughter of King Morken, sees this hot warrior dude, Maelgwn. They hook up during a summer festival, and swear that they are the loves of each others lives, but of course she has to marry the boring son of another king because of alliances and politics and stuff and has to go live on this horrorisland, with her husband and his ruthless father King Tutagual who is in cahoots with the nasty Christian monks, and Maelgwn has to go back and defend the borders from the Angles and other assorted awful people.

Seventeen years and four children later , Languoreth gets to see Maelgwn again because now she’s off the island and back at her childhood home with the kids, and this is where the menfolk are holding their latest war council, and she‘s completely pissed that Maelgwn never contacted her during that whole time, because she sent messages and fantasized about him for the last 17 years, and how dare he not let her know that he was doing the same . Except he sent her an emerald ring which she couldn’t wear, but kept in her pocket for 17 years, so clearly he was thinking of her, but that doesn’t count as it wasn’t a MESSAGE. But he’s still hot, so they hook up against an oak tree, and she gets bark in her hair and has multiple orgasms, so apparently she wasn’t that mad.

That’s the last part I read and I have about 50 pages to go so I’ll let you know later how that worked out for them, because you know that her eldest son is Maelgwn’s from their first hook up and not her boring husband’s kid.

 

[syzygy]

Men need to be 'won' too.

See I've won lots of things in my life—sectional medals, national medals, etc.,—my boyfriend doesn't happen to be one of those things. It's almost as if humans aren't objects .

I was watching something a few days ago about "ghosting" and our need for closure and the person said "the ghosting is your closure".

She walked away with no explanation and exorcised you from her life. Whatever went before that (in terms of badly timed love, potential misunderstandings, unknown upsets etc) fades away against the very deliberate decision she made to walk away. Whatever her reason was there can be no doubt about her not really meaning it. She no longer wanted the two of you to be in each others lives. And she has not changed her mind in the 17 years since and has actively chosen a different life. If you actually respected her as you say you do you would respect the decision that she made and continues to make every day she doesn't contact you.

I'm baffled that someone who wouldn't kiss someone because they had a long distance boyfriend (apparently decent) has become someone actively contemplating going on a mission to break up someone's marriage.

This is so true. My ex ghosted me after 7 months of a happy (for me, not him) relationship. I tried to contact him as anyone with the maturity of a 15 year old girl would do. He didn't reply. It wasn't until I realized that he didn't want to ****ing talk to me (duh he blocked me everywhere) that I was actually happy again. Basically, the pain doesn't go away until you, yourself, make it go away. When it comes to your emotions, no one else can do the dirty work for you. Even if you do somehow talk to this person again, there will still be the part of you that's stuck in the past the way you are now: unhappy and doubting.

 

[meggonzo]

After 7 months, I would still expect some form of a "this isn't working" text. After a few dates is whatever.

 

[ToFarAwayTimes]

That was a very sweet story, Ruby. Very happy for you and your husband. Thank you for sharing.

 

[ballettmaus]

Scrolling through this thread makes me feel like I'm reading the plot of one of those romance novels that's set in the 18th or 19th century where the women want to be wooed and it's romantic when the guy pursues them endlessly even if she is promised to another and takes what he wants even if he needs to do it with a little bit of force because that force demonstrates his strength.

I think it's okay for a book but when someone sounds like that in real life, it makes me think they're living in a fantasy world/universe that doesn't exist and/or is long gone.

 

[AxelAnnie]

I think it might be a good idea to think about not who, but what you really really want in life. If you're forty now, sixty will come faster than you think. Where do you> want 9to live and grow old? Do you want kids and grandkids? Do you want to retire young? What qualities in a mate matter most to you? If you're 65 or 75 with serious health problems, are you OK with government health care workers taking care of you or do you hope a committed wife will be there for you because you've been there for her? Do you think you will have regrets in old age if none of your real desires come to pass because you pined after someone unavailable instead of looking for a wonderful woman who's available now?

Then think about how likely you are to find all or any of these things with Mrs True Love. From the outside, it seems unlikely from what you've said. For example, you said you want children with her. But what about the four she already has? If you imagine she'll walk away from them, think again.

I understand your situation, sort of, having wasted too many years longing for unavailable people and treating available ones badly. I was incredibly stubborn too. I'm not sure anyone could have gotten through to me with words like the ones being addressed to you now, but for your sake, I hope they will get through to you before it's too late.

Sounds like you are living in a fantasy in your mind. What does one get out of continuing to revel in the story? You don't have to do anything about the goals you say you want. You have two choices really continue the poor me wallow or pull up your big boy pants and accept the FACT that she does. It to be a part of hour life and she does 't want to be a part of yours.

it is your choice. A conscious choice. So man up and make a choice and live will with it.

Just a thought someone who does not want to be with you cannot be the love of your life.

BTW I have taken your statements at face value.
But I would not be surprised to find out that these are the writings of a 13-year-old girl

 

[Japanfan]

Scrolling through this thread makes me feel like I'm reading the plot of one of those romance novels that's set in the 18th or 19th century where the women want to be wooed and it's romantic when the guy pursues them endlessly even if she is promised to another and takes what he wants even if he needs to do it with a little bit of force because that force demonstrates his strength.

I think it's okay for a book but when someone sounds like that in real life, it makes me think they're living in a fantasy world/universe that doesn't exist and/or is long gone.

It's never okay when a man forces a woman to have sex. It's never a demonstration of strength.

This is a wrong of romance novels and films that needs to be righted.

Consent is key.

 

[rfisher]

Except he sent her an emerald ring which she couldn’t wear, but kept in her pocket for 17 years, so clearly he was thinking of her, but that doesn’t count as it wasn’t a MESSAGE. But he’s still hot, so they hook up against an oak tree, and she gets bark in her hair and has multiple orgasms, so apparently she wasn’t that mad.

I always wonder how many authors have actually had sex up against an oak tree. Bark burns on your back don't sound all that erotic.

 

[Vagabond]

I always wonder how many authors have actually had sex up against an oak tree. Bark burns on your back don't sound all that erotic.

They aren't. Trust me.

 

[hanca]

I always wonder how many authors have actually had sex up against an oak tree. Bark burns on your back don't sound all that erotic.

The reality is never as good as in books. The same about sex on the beach - the sand getting everywhere.... or sex in the sea - the cold water doesn’t really help.

 

[Vagabond]

The reality is never as good as in books. The same about sex on the beach - the sand getting everywhere.... or sex in the sea - the cold water doesn’t really help.

Have you tried it in the Mediterranean at Tel Aviv?

 

[once_upon]

Yeah, life is not like the Luke and Laura story on General Hospital in the 80's. Where Luke couldn't control his "feelings" around Laura, raped her, and somehow she was persued by him because he always loved her. And magically she fell in love with him and had the most watched wedding of daytime TV.

Life does not end with a Camilla/Charles story ending either.

 

[quartz]

No bark burns for me, but there was that super deep lichen on a Newfoundland mountainside that was super springy and spongey and I had the sensation that the earth was going to open up and swallow us. That was weird. Gorgeous sunny, blue sky day, overlooking the Gulf of St.Lawerence, so it was a beautiful setting anyways.


I’ve no personal romantic fantasy stories - I didn’t have the sort of life growing up that allowed me to dream like that.

 

[skategal]

No bark burns for me, but there was that super deep lichen on a Newfoundland mountainside that was super springy and spongey and I had the sensation that the earth was going to open up and swallow us. That was weird. Gorgeous sunny, blue sky day, overlooking the Gulf of St.Lawerence, so it was a beautiful setting anyways.

I’ve been to the Northern peninsula. I’m surprised you guys didn’t freeze your bits off.

 

[quartz]

I’ve been to the Northern peninsula. I’m surprised you guys didn’t freeze your bits off.

We lucked out with several days of balmy low 20’s temps and it only rained once.

 

[becca]

I suggest you watch this

https://m.youtube.com/watch?v=MrRnObGzd-c

I agree with Matthew that unrequited love is masochism.

True love is the a couple being there for each other through thick and thin. And both people have to choose that. They have to choose you.

You got to love yourself and recognize that you deserve someone who loves you and will be there for you. What you have right now is a fantasy it’s not real. And yes you may always have some feelings but you move on. But love? Love is a choice and you shouldn’t let your whole heart go for someone who doesn’t love you back.

I am the type of person who honestly does struggle with crushes but I have learned to force myself to go out on dates with other guys and give them a chance. And you know what I learned eventually I find a guy who likes me and I like him and who the heck cares about the crush?

And there are better women than your ex try someone who won’t cheat on a significant other or block you without talking.