Coughlin's family speaks, shares perspective on SafeSport investigation

[bardtoob]

By this same "logic," you could say a parent wouldn't want their son to participate in any sport, extracurricular activity, go to high school, go to college, have a job in a corporate workplace, or any of the thousands if not millions of contexts in which there are power imbalances that have fostered harassment and abuse.

I think it's significantly more valuable to teach everyone--including, but maybe not specifically, boys and men--how to be respectful. It's not easy; this will often require changes in culture that are supported by adults, coaches, and parents as well as positive interactions between athletes/students/young people. But the idea that there is a climate of fear in which (predominantly) men should be afraid to participate in activities because they will be accused of harassment plays into all kinds of gross, regressive myths. I'm not going to say anything more because it'll become too political, but I do think this is an important discussion because it gets to the crux of what's at stake here and what progressive actions should be taken. I think Vlandis did a very good job of outlining some positive steps.

I am unimpressed with your demand that boys be where you want them to be.

FYI Ronnie Robertson to Rudy Galindo were subject to rumors that shortened their careers.

 

[UGG]

My son was afraid to approach his crush because he worried about being accused of sexual harassment. I am not kidding. He was afraid to give her a Valentine's card. He is 10 years old. At first I thought he was being ridiculous. Then I thought about it, and realized it may be a good idea to quietly ask for the girl's parents consent. In writing.

Honestly I think it’s great he is aware he might make a girl feel uncomfortable and I think it is wonderful you are going to reach out to her parents first to confirm she will not be uncomfortable. Hopefully more boys will be aware. And yes I have an 8 year old son and I hope he is just as aware.

 

[LarrySK8]

quietly ask for the girl's parents consent. In writing.

As in a text or e mail to ask if their daughter participates in V-Day? Or a written contract they sign?

We all used to participate in grade school in V-Day back in the 1960's as a class activity - kind of told we were doing it and just do it - and many were crushed that they got zero or just one or two valentines. Or were anxious to see if giving one was received well. Or afraid that someone would find out they like a certain someone.

I think even in kindergarten back then, it was always a learning experience.

 

[meggonzo]

My son was afraid to approach his crush because he worried about being accused of sexual harassment. I am not kidding. He was afraid to give her a Valentine's card. He is 10 years old. At first I thought he was being ridiculous. Then I thought about it, and realized it may be a good idea to quietly ask for the girl's parents consent. In writing.

I don't think giving someone a Valentine's card is sexual harrassment. But if the crush rejected him, and he couldn't accept that, then it would be a problem. Hopefully you could teach your son this! I'm not totally on board with asking for the parents' consent either because they could pressure the girl into "being nice" to him.

 

[Perky Shae Lynn]

I think it's significantly more valuable to teach everyone--including, but maybe not specifically, boys and men--how to be respectful. It's not easy; this will often require changes in culture that are supported by adults, coaches, and parents as well as positive interactions between athletes/students/young people.

It sounds wonderful on paper. But in reality, things aren't always perfect. Kids and teenagers aren't robots. They are emotional, impulsive, hormonal and sometimes unhinged a bit. They say and do stupid things. As a parent, yes I worry. I know other moms of boys in skating that worry. A lot. They aren't insensitive, uneducated, un-woke, unprogressive, victim-shaming, hate-mongering women that can't teach wright from wrong. Obviously, the issues are real. But just as real is the thoughts that come with the situation. As I fully support the movement to clean up the sport, I also wonder on a daily basis whether my son should stay in it.

 

[kosjenka]

This article does provide information that John Coughlin was sent a letter with the information by safe sports. That such letter contained information about his accuser/s(initials) ,what he was being investigated for and that he had the right at any time to contact an investigator and ask for an official hearing before an arbitrator to be granted within 72 hours.

Puts to rest what many of his close nit friends, coworkers and family members have been claiming about nothing but blame put on his shoulders. How else does his friend Geoff Varner in the article know about the nature of the relationship John was being investigated?

What a terrible terrible situation for everyone...

 

[LeafOnTheWind]

I'd like to see some discussion about making the sport a safer place to report incidents.

Specifically, I was horrified by some of the comments made by Dalilah Sappenfield following John's suicide.

I haven't read every single thing posted or linked here and I don't know the inside gossip or what's being discussed elsewhere. Maybe worse comments have been made by other prominent coaches that should also be addressed. It's just that Dalilah's comments got a lot of initial attention and have stuck with me.

Thoughts?

I also have a lot of concerns about future complaints and how safe people feel in making them. Dalilah's comments are just 1 problem area in this. Skaters made comments that led us to believe identities were well known in the skating community and that is probably a much bigger issue than Dalilah alone. Unless her response is an indicator of the community as a whole.

I would like to see USFS take a stronger stand about protecting privacy and hopefully taking action against those who might retaliate against accusers.

I do completely agree that those who knew John have the right to grieve but the overall tone from USFS and Dalilah has not shown enough respect for the other side IMO. No matter what John did or didn't do I don't see how any of this will help others feel safe if they have a complaint.

 

[bardtoob]

My son was afraid to approach his crush because he worried about being accused of sexual harassment. I am not kidding. He was afraid to give her a Valentine's card. He is 10 years old. At first I thought he was being ridiculous. Then I thought about it, and realized it may be a good idea to quietly ask for the girl's parents consent. In writing.

Honestly I think it’s great he is aware he might make a girl feel uncomfortable and I think it is wonderful you are going to reach out to her parents first to confirm she will not be uncomfortable. Hopefully more boys will be aware. And yes I have an 8 year old son and I hope he is just as aware.

I don't think giving someone a Valentine's card is sexual harrassment. But if the crush rejected him, and he couldn't accept that, then it would be a problem. Hopefully you could teach your son this! I'm not totally on board with asking for the parents' consent either because they could pressure the girl into "being nice" to him.

Goodness, what a complicated life for some little boy!

 

[Perky Shae Lynn]

I don't think giving someone a Valentine's card is sexual harrassment. But if the crush rejected him, and he couldn't accept that, then it would be a problem. Hopefully you could teach your son this! I'm not totally on board with asking for the parents' consent either because they could pressure the girl into "being nice" to him.

Hopefully you can teach your son this? Goodness, of course I teach him. Do you think a 10 year old can't read, doesn't see the news, doesn't hear the rink gossip, doesn't hear the coaches endlessly saying to be careful? Do you think children over 7 years old take what his parents teach him as 100% gospel? Do you give him a check-list of what's sexual harassment and what is not sexual harassment? People can teach their kids to do the right thing, and still worry.

Patronizing, morally and intellectually superior approach to such a painful and complex problem doesn't help anyone. Things are obviously not that simple. Otherwise we would not be having this discussion. If we could just teach our kids everything, and they would listen, we'd live a wonderful world.

 

[Perky Shae Lynn]

Goodness, what a complicated life for some little boy!

Lol, he's over it. Switching to hockey full time anyway. And I am ok with it.

 

[meggonzo]

Hopefully you can teach your son this? Goodness, of course I teach him. Do you think a 10 year old can't read, doesn't see the news, doesn't hear the rink gossip, doesn't hear the coaches endlessly saying to be careful? Do you think children over 7 years old take what his parents teach him as 100% gospel? Do you give him a check-list of what's sexual harassment and what is not sexual harassment? People can teach their kids to do the right thing, and still worry.

Patronizing, morally and intellectually superior approach to a clear complex problem doesn't help anyone. Things are obviously not that simple.

It wasn't clear from your post since you said you thought he was being ridiculous.

 

[Perky Shae Lynn]

It wasn't clear from your post since you said you thought he was being ridiculous.

So you proceed to assume that I do not know what sexual harassment is, do not teach my son the right thing, and is morally inferior to you. Because things are so black and white in life. Got it.

 

[meggonzo]

So you proceed to assume that I do not know what sexual harassment is, do not teach my son the right thing, and is morally inferior to you. Because things are so black and white in life. Got it.

I never said that.

 

[bardtoob]

Lol, he's over it. Switching to hockey full time anyway. And I am ok with it.

Sounds like an excellent plan.

 

[Perky Shae Lynn]

I never said that.

People are not stupid. It's not necessary to tell anyone what to teach their children, and how you HOPE they will. We all try to do our best in this very complicated world, and very complicated sport.

 

[bardtoob]

My son was afraid to approach his crush because he worried about being accused of sexual harassment. I am not kidding. He was afraid to give her a Valentine's card. He is 10 years old. At first I thought he was being ridiculous. Then I thought about it, and realized it may be a good idea to quietly ask for the girl's parents consent. In writing.

I don't think giving someone a Valentine's card is sexual harrassment. But if the crush rejected him, and he couldn't accept that, then it would be a problem. Hopefully you could teach your son this! I'm not totally on board with asking for the parents' consent either because they could pressure the girl into "being nice" to him.

Maybe after teaching him to not taste the same paste everybody else has tasted.

 

[AxelAnnie]

ni

I think it is ok to have this new thread. I had stopped reading the other threads. I feel for his family. I can’t imagine what they must be going through. I understand that they want a full investigation, which they believe would clear their beloved John.

Stopping the investigation because ‘the threat does not exist’ is not a good reason, IMO. This man was smeared with allegations. May be they were correct, maybe they were incorrect, but the truth needs to come out.

Totally agree. New information - new thread.

SafeSport is IMO drunk with power. If they have been deemed a "safe" place for people to report misconduct, then they need to be safe for both sides, not just that alleged victim. Their stated reason for making public the name of the alleged perpetrator with no context is simply wrong. Using it so that they may find other people is soliciting (In the legal field we call that ambulance chasing). If they are a mandatory reporting agency....great report to the police (not like we don't have laws in place). If they want to ensure the safety of other skaters - great - then quickly do an investigation, giving both sides the opportunity to allege and defend. Two to four weeks is a reasonable time frame within which to wrap up an investigation.

These, from what I understand are old claims. It is not that someone complained yesterday. And, he is a pairs coach. I wouldn't want to be touched in half the places you have to be touched to get your partner up in the air, or preparing for a throw. These are intimate actions, and could easily be misconstrued (either as unwanted touching, or dreamed about romance). And if he is guilty of misconduct, prosecute and suspend his a$$.
But only after you investigate. And, I would assume that a skater who is knows there is an investigation is going to be really, really careful.

When there is a police shooting, the policeman is "benched" at a desk until a full investigation is made. When all the facts are determined and evaluated, he is then returned to duty, or taken off the force. That is fair and balanced investigating. SafeSport would do well to implement some safe and fair procedures of their own.

 

[genevieve]

When there is a police shooting, the policeman is "benched" at a desk until a full investigation is made. When all the facts are determined and evaluated, he is then returned to duty, or taken off the force. That is fair and balanced investigating. SafeSport would do well to implement some safe and fair procedures of their own.

How is this different from what SafeSport was doing? They never got to complete their investigation, but the "benching" you describe is what happened here.

 

[Deleted member 74551]

If anything SafeSport needs more transparency, not less.

 

[judiz]

This article does provide information that John Coughlin was sent a letter with the information by safe sports. That such letter contained information about his accuser/s(initials) ,what he was being investigated for and that he had the right at any time to contact an investigator and ask for an official hearing before an arbitrator to be granted within 72 hours.

Puts to rest what many of his close nit friends, coworkers and family members have been claiming about nothing but blame put on his shoulders. How else does his friend Geoff Varner in the article know about the nature of the relationship John was being investigated?

What a terrible terrible situation for everyone...

What confuses me are the reports that John had no idea who accused him or what the allegations were against him. Assuming he received and read the letter, this information was known to him and his family (if he chose
to share it)

 

[Tinami Amori]

How is this different from what SafeSport was doing?

the circumstances... when a policeman is "benched" there is usually a dead body and a pool of blood or an "offended citizen" yelling "justice"... In JC's case, the "victims" are all chatty and friendly with the "offender" ...

 

[AxelAnnie]

How is this different from what SafeSport was doing? They never got to complete their investigation, but the "benching" you describe is what happened here.

You are correct. They "benched" him. And then did NOT carry out a swift and thorough investigation. If you are going to suspend someone and take away their livelihood which the police do not.

The organization received a complaint against Coughlin in December, though only his name was revealed under rules meant to protect victims. Coughlin's former agent, Tara Modlin, argues the lack of information prompted potentially harmful speculation. "While I wish I could speak freely about the unfounded allegations levied against me, the SafeSport rules prevent me from doing so since the case remains pending," Coughlin said on Jan. 7. The interim restriction (which ESPN explains is like a restraining order between the relevant parties) levied in December was updated to an interim suspension on Jan. 17, but no reason was given for the status change.

An organization that cannot satisfactorily investigate a matter in a few weeks should not have the power to pillory a member (which John was). It is too much power in the hands of a group that is (by their own admission

Cash-strapped SafeSport's challenge now: deciding whether to continue with its investigation; the US Figure Skating body has urged it to do so

And SafeSport decided it was not a priority to finish an investigation that resulted in the death of one of their members. Really ?!?!

 

[Perky Shae Lynn]

What confuses me are the reports that John had no idea who accused him or what the allegations were against him. Assuming he received and read the letter, this information was known to him and his family (if he chose to share it)

I noticed the same thing. I don't recall him stating that he didn't know WHO accused him, but I may have missed that. I would guess that the exact nature of the allegations (what, when, and how) may not have been disclosed. Coughlin may have known that the incident was concerning a person A, occurring during timeline B, and the accusation was C. Lets say it's inappropriate sexual advances against a minor in 2008 (with him knowing who the minor was). He likely did not have all or any supporting information. I suspect that he simply didn't know which specific incidents resulted in the complaint.

 

[Rob]

What confuses me are the reports that John had no idea who accused him or what the allegations were against him. Assuming he received and read the letter, this information was known to him and his family (if he chose
to share it)

Maybe the letter had the initials of the alleged victims, but not a third party accuser, if any? Or maybe it identified a third party accuser, but not the victims? Or maybe if the victims were minors, it just said J.D. (Jane Doe)?

 

[Vagabond]

Maybe the letter had the initials of the alleged victims, but not a third party accuser, if any? Or maybe it identified a third party accuser, but not the victims? Or maybe if the victims were minors, it just said J.D. (Jane Doe)?

People accused of shameful things have sometimes been known to be less than completely honest and forthcoming.

 

[angi]

I keep seeing Larry Nasser's name mentioned as a comparison as if to say "this is not at the same level as the Larry Nasser case" which while true is still worrying. Is a case of abuse in figure skating needs to be at the same level and magnitude as Nasar's to be considered serious enough so actions will be taken? Is the fact that John didn't reach those levels of (alleged) abuse a reason to not hold him accountable?
This article is irresponsible and damaging as others have said, there are several unfounded accusations against SafeSport and his family did everything within their power to minimize the reported incidents and to share as many details as possible about the (alleged) victims, all of this while the journalist did his best to portray John as the best of men.
While my heart goes out to his family, the hints of conspiracy theory about "rivals" placing the accusations (what exactly was in stake here? More students for another coach?) are a classic deflection strategy from people who are accused of sexual misconduct and I truly hope no one really buys it.

 

[Rob]

People accused of shameful things have sometimes been known to be less than completely honest and forthcoming.

True, but SafeSport is trying to balance notice vs anonymity. I am just saying that this news article might not be the best source of accurate information about what the letter "would" have said.

 

[SHARPIE]

I think we will just leave this thread here now. Again, deepest sympathies to everyone involved.